I had a dream I wanted to scream,
but no sound came out.
I had a morning where I longed for silence,
but I screamed and screamed.
I strive for expansiveness and constant motion,
but I forever cling to stability and prediction.
“It’s going to be alright.” I say as the optimist.
“Shut up, Liar.” I say as the other.
My truth giggles and speaks in a squeal of mockery:
Why does it matter?
All at once there are so many tomorrow thoughts:
far away, impossible like it may never come,
I’m a unicycle and my wheel is fear.
inevitable, inescapable like bars I can’t eat my way through, because they’re
not made of chocolate, but bitter metal leaving me
savouring the taste of my behaviour.
it’s a gift, and there must be a god if I get to have it.
“Which one is it?” I ask the truth.
snicker, finger wagging, silly-you headshakes
“I’m waiting.” I plead.
There’s so much waiting, always waiting.
This is a song about the waiting:
that lost and amazing sensation in between the in-between where
there’s no pick-me-up, no stiff upper lip, or cold drink, no cushion on
the bench, no warm-bosomed embrace to ease the waiting.
Here: I’m a puppy learning “stay.”
The urge to run and chase the cat is more powerful than anything I’ve
ever known. I can taste her fur and feel her wiggling to get free and
continue our game. I feel the sting of her sharp claws across my cheek.
I flinch to protect my eyes from the nipping daggers of my lack
There, there. Stay in the waiting where everything becomes
Stop. Settle. Feel the urge and take a nap in a headstand.
There’s a piece of you here that you can’t love unless you stay.
“I’m not strong enough.”
“Well, I can’t do it much longer.”
You can and you will.
“God, I wish I was stronger.”
There, there. That’s where it comes from.
And then I’m staring up at a starry sky:
I start to wish, but I exchange this habit for something better,
The stars are a kaleidoscope and I am spinning with them,
and I’m spilled out everywhere, all at once, but perfectly contained. It’s
unfamiliar, but it’s everything I’ve ever known.
~ Angela Dee