Inner Listening: The Hole in my Pocket
“Now let’s move into a hip opener. Go ahead and take half pigeon on your front body. You know, when you get there, if your first thought is that you want to make another choice and come on your back, it’s not too late, it might not be an easy decision but you can always change your pose; there is nothing which cannot be undone.”
I said these words, out loud, to my yoga class on a Sunday afternoon in September. As the words were flowing from my mouth I began to realize that I wasn’t talking about a yoga pose, I was talking about my own life. I was talking about the decision I had made to move across the country and the change of heart I had when I got there. As this class went on, I was becoming clearer about what I didn’t see or “the hole in my pocket” which turned out to be inner listening. Sometimes, it is easier to see in others what I couldn’t see in myself. No matter how many programs, classes or courses I have taken and have lead, I had a blind spot.
Ok, people, time to get real. I moved to Calgary! CRAY! I sold my house and everything I owned to move with my fiancé. I mean, I left everything and in the span of 36 hours after getting there, my life turned into an inversion, completely upside down.
A day and a half after I arrived in Calgary, I knew I needed to make another choice!
It was now time for me to listen. Inner listening had escaped me; it was silenced by my ability to override my inner knowing. I was consumed with doubt and fear of repeating old patterns, patterns which rendered me unconscious. Little did I know that I was actually in the throws of my old patterns, all the while telling myself I was doing something new. It took creating a storm in my life (by moving all the way across the country), to listen to what I had been ignoring, that my relationship was not right.
I was leaving Calgary with nothing that I had arrived with, even my Roots boots; imagine! It took leaving and losing it all, to finally hear what I had been ignoring for almost 2 years, and if I’m being honest, 35 years. It wasn’t an easy decision but it came fast. I always knew the truth but ignored the truth; my light was dimming, even as it was told to me by my mentors it didn’t quite land.
The storm which I created, of not hearing my inner listening, was the beginning of my healing process; one which I desperately needed.
I was living my life in avoidance of connection, a fear of connection which is exactly what I thought I was seeking but actually failing at finding.
Are you confused yet? Let me be clear, I draw to me where I am. I sought out in other people what I was afraid to do myself, connect. I was in one relationship after another with people who would not connect with me on a deeper level, which was fine, because secretly I was terrified of doing that very same thing, connect on a deeper level.
This new revelation, after the storm had hit my life, brought me to having little material goods to distract me. I found myself basically alone for five weeks doing nothing but practicing yoga and spending time in the outdoors, in the quiet, connecting with myself. Talk about break downs and breakthroughs!
After I had made the decision to come back home I had time to ask myself some difficult questions, questions which I ask others in life coaching sessions all the time. “What was my contribution to this toxic mess?” When I was alone what did I tell myself to make it ok to remain in this situation when I heard my inner listening say, “quick get out of this now.” “How did I bring this into my life and how can I take responsibility?
If I didn’t go there, I knew it would happen again, coming in another form, because it always did. Without renunciation, I knew the behaviour of seeking false connection, disguised as newness, would come around again to haunt me.
The answers came in the quiet. The healing began when I forgave myself for doing what I did in a broken place, knowing it was a part of my life experience; to come to a place where a sense of connection has been planted.
After weeks of yoga, meditation and self-work, I am beginning to feel a freedom in my range of emotions and connection, real connection which brings so much gratitude to the surface. I am writing this blog because I know this isn’t just about me, this is everyone’s work. After all, that is what we all want in life, love and connection; it’s what we are hard wired for.
It wasn’t coming home or leaving a wrong relationship that I found the truth, it was in the depths of a massive storm that I finally surrendered to inner listening which saved me. So, there is a choice, I have free will. I can change my mind; there is nothing which cannot be undone.
~ Amanda MacEachern